Film reviews

Duel 6.5 Stars

[spoiler alert: but only if you are extremely dense and don't see it coming]

I can imagine the conversation then-unknown young director Steven Spielberg had with the producers of this, his first film:

Spielberg: What’s my budget for this picture?

Producers: $500,000.

Spielberg: Okay, and how much would it cost to have a huge 18-wheel truck get smashed into oblivion at the end of it?

Producers: $ 495,000

Spielberg: Great! Let’s do it!

Spielberg is one of the most successful and influential directors in history and so, as a responsible student of cinematic history, you really need to see this. And, for a low-budget made-for-TV movie, it’s damned impressive. You can see why it got the attention of hot shots in Hollywood. He masterfully builds suspense and engages the interest of the audience with the limited resources of one character and one locale: a long lonely stretch of dessert highway. Brilliant.

But it is now almost four decades later. We don’t have to wonder what this guy could do with a humongous budget and big Hollywood stars. We’ve already seen ET, Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, Schindler’s List, etc. We are not living under a rock, after all. Or, if so, we have a DVD player under the rock with us. We’ve seen what Spielberg can do.

I try to be as much of an obnoxious snob as I can, disdainful of big-budget blockbusters and superstar actors, but sometimes I just have to be brutally honest with myself and the four or five people in my audience: Duel is definitely worth watching for educational purposes, for both its historical relevance to the career of one of the greatest directors of all time, and for lessons in the craft of filmmaking. But for sheer entertainment, it’s got nothing on Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sometimes having a few million dollars to throw around can be a lot of fun. You can blow up several big trucks.

Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? 8 Stars

First of all: this has absolutely nothing to do with Virginia Woolf. If you were hoping it did, check out The Hours, which will leave you entirely satisfied and, if all goes well, suicidal. But this is a deliciously bitter slice of dysfunctional family life. With the screaming, and the fighting, and the drinking. Oh the drinking! Just watching this film will raise your BAC above the legal driving limit, so it’s a good thing you are watching it at home. Watch out for a nasty hangover tomorrow. Pop a couple of aspirin before you go to bed.

I rode the blissful wave of schadenfreude without complaint up until the last half hour or so, at which point I had had enough and was ready to sleep it off. The dialogue is exceptional. Clever, witty, miserable people being cruel to one another. Brilliantly, eloquently cruel. It’s irresistible to watch, for maybe an hour and 45 minutes. But then it keeps going. You can only sustain the level of emotional intensity for so long, keeping the audience on a razor’s edge between laughing and doing whiskey shots until they pass out. Other than going on a bit past the point that I could comfortably stand it, it’s a fabulous film. Also: nothing to do with Virginia Woolf.

Death and the Maiden 5 Stars

I was just a little too conscious of the fact that Sigourney Weaver was acting to lose myself in the gripping story, which also depended on a thoroughly improbable coincidence to carry it forward. I was already suspending my disbelief, and was approaching the tensile strength limits of my disbelief suspender. It’s not that she isn’t a talented actor, but the demands placed on her by the role—a character undergoing a total emotional breakdown—were so extreme that only the very best could pull it off. “OK, Sigourney,” the director should have said, “in this scene I want you to act like you are Meryl Streep.” I mean no disrespect to Sigourney, but I’d much rather watch her kick alien ass.

A Cry in the Dark 7 Stars

A true story of a grave miscarriage of justice in the misinformation age, when those accused of crimes are tried and convicted in the media long before they ever step into a courtroom. It reinforces an opinion of mine that “democracy” and “trials by jury” are not necessarily innately good things, when it means that our fates rest firmly in the hands of dim-witted, easily manipulated dolts. Swell. There’s some social progress for you.

Thus far I’ve been lucky, and have not been accused of most of the crimes I have committed, let alone any I did not commit. But if I my fortunes were ever to change, I’d rather take my chances with one impartial judge who has nothing to gain or lose either way, than with an ambitious and talented prosecutor manipulating twelve idiots who have already made up their mind from watching nonstop, irresponsibly sensationalistic TV coverage.

[spoiler alert! ] The dingo did it.

GI Jane 5 Stars

A friend of mine, observing a pattern in my cinematic tastes, once commented that I was obviously a masochist and desperately wanted a woman to beat the living shit out of me. “No,” I replied. “I just want to know that she could.” I’ve got a thing for hot babes who kick ass. And I have to confess that Demi Moore doing one-armed push-ups with that military buzz cut earned a rigid salute from me, if you know what I mean. I don’t think that makes me gay nor diminishes my standing as a peace activist.

But a hot ass-kicking, stereotype-busting babe isn’t quite enough to cut it. The film’s flaw is that ultimately they wanted to sell tickets and not make a great movie, so they threw it into Hollywood overdrive at the end, with the formulaic action movie climax and the melodramatic music playing as American soldiers wipe out the evil terrorists, or something like that. To be honest, I wasn’t even paying attention at the end. I rewound to the part where Demi is doing the one-armed pushups.

……………………

Bugs Bunny: Superstar 8 Stars

One of the most important figures in the history of cinema, Orson Welles, narrates this tribute to an arguably even more significant one, Bugs Bunny. Most of the content consists of Warner Brothers classics, shown in their entirety, with no embarrassing attempts to weave them into a cohesive story with original, inferior, filler sequences, as they did in the Looney Looney Bugs Bunny Movie. Looney Tunes fans should check that out as well, but they’ll like this better, if they have any sense, which they do, obviously, as they are not Hannna-Barbera fans. This one presents everyone’s favowite wabbit in all his waskelly gwory. And we also get a sneak peak at the guys who drew him and wrote his lines for him and whatnot, so that allowed cinematic snobs to pretend they were appraising a serious documentary film, instead of just getting high and watching cartoons.

Species 3 Stars

The principal character in this forgettable sci-fi snoozer is a super hot ass-kicking alien babe. So it was physically impossible for me not to watch it, even in spite of the glaring warning signs that it would probably be awful. The first of these is that it featured a star-studded cast, including Ben Kingsley, Forrest Whittaker, and Alfred Molina, but was about a super-hot ass-kicking alien babe. It is, sadly, within striking distance of “so bad it’s good,” but it’s just not quite bad enough, and so it remains “so bad that it’s almost good but is still quite bad.” It’s painful watching those excellent actors desperately trying to pretend that they are in a real movie. Waste your time if you want to, but if a super hot ass-kicking alien babe doesn’t do it for me, (who has a legitimate psychological condition, ok?), then you or any other normal person will probably hate it.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus 6 Stars

Having been mesmerized by Heath Ledger’s performance in Dark Knight, I will never forgive him for selfishly dying young and depriving us all of his thespian brilliance. So it’s at least some small comfort that his final, unfinished project was a classic Gilliam exercise in approximating a psychedelic experience through film, because if it had been any other director, there would have been no choice but to scrap the entire unfinished production. But having the main character played by different actors actually works here, in a weird way. “Hey, that’s a different guy,” says the audience. “That’s weird. Oh right . . . Gilliam.”

When the movie was over, I had only the vaguest idea what happened and memories of astounding visual stimulation, the specific significance of which quickly faded. I cannot rule out the possibility that one of my drug-addled friends dosed my beverage, but barring that possibility, this is about as close to a psychedelic experience as you are going to get without the psychedelics. I can only imagine it would be even better with some quality drugs to go along with it, but I’m fresh out. Maybe if I track down Gilliam, he’ll share. He obviously has plenty.

Moon 8 Stars

An underrated little science fiction gem. It’s hard to give it a decent spoiler-free review because most of the plot turns on a twist about of a third of the way into the film, and you would hate me if I ruined it for you, so I will remain annoyingly vague and cryptic, but just remember that I’m doing it for you. This film is obviously influenced by both Arthur C Clarke and Phillip K Dick. (The secret to SciFi success? A middle initial.) There’s a spooky homage to HAL by the now so aptly named Kevin Spacey. Any further discussion is likely to give something away, so go ahead and see it and then we can stay up late talking about deep nuances. Preferably after getting really high. Phillip K Dick would be proud.

Felon 7 Stars

In pursuing a recently completed a novel set in a prison, I conducted a fairly extensive investigation of life behind bars, and the filmmakers obviously did some hands-on research as well. As in: hands clenched tightly on their bunk while some huge sociopath re-purposes their rectum and/or esophagus. Yeah, prison sucks, and you may be forced to as well if you end up there, so try to avoid it.

A lot of prisoners are really bad people, and most of the people on staff are probably pretty decent folk. It’s important to make that point, because cinema tends to portray stories of unjustly-convicted guys tormented by sadistic corrections officers, which is not a complete picture of what’s going on behind the walls. But it’s equally important to note that those stories are not entirely implausible either.

You’ll have to pardon that brief rant on American penal policy. I spent a couple of years reading and writing about this stuff, so I can’t resist an editorial aside. Also, I wanted an excuse to say “penal,” because I’m extremely immature. This is a pretty good prison flick. Don’t drop the soap.

Resident Evil 5 Stars

You can’t have high expectations for a movie adapted from a video game. Even with low expectations, you might be disappointed, depending on how highly you regard video games as a narrative medium. There are a couple hot ass-kicking babes. Always a huge plus. And zombies. Can’t go wrong with zombies. But it didn’t provoke any desire to watch the sequel. I just want to play the video game.

XXX 4 Stars

There’s nothing wrong with mindless action flicks. I like silly movies in which explosions and cleavage take priority over deep, thought-provoking themes. My position is: I already think plenty. Just blow shit up and show me some boobs. But blatant inconsistencies ruin things for me. Having spent some time in Prague, I find it hard to suspend my disbelief when they rearrange the basic geography of a major world city to suit the plot. Reality is inconvenient, so you just ignore it? I wish I could do that.

I also can’t help but wonder how and why the bad guys chose the single most popular tourist site in the entire Czech Republic as the location of their secret evil genius lair.* I can only imagine the guide instructing the visitors (with a sexy Slavic accent, which is how my imagination works): “Please to be paying attention, peoples. Here is site of celebrated 1618 defenestration of Prague, key event in launching Thirty Years War. And over here some anarchists are plotting global terror. American ‘extreme-sports’ enthusiast will to be dealing with them later.”

Lots of shit blows up. Nothing makes sense. And given the title: not nearly enough boobs.

* a friend of mine who lives in Prague and worked on this film assures me that the scenes in question are not actually taking place at the castle in Prague, an enormously popular tourist site, but at a different castle located outside the city, several kilometers away, which is where they locate things in Europe. This knowledge ruined my review so I ignored it.

G.I. Joe: the Rise of Cobra 6 Stars

This was not nearly as bad as all the people who said it was so bad said it was.

Parse that beast out if you want to. Explosions, ninjas, and hot chicks with guns. That’s all I need.

Bill Maher: But I’m Not Wrong 8 Stars

Were it not for Bill Maher, I might long ago have given up all hope that there is any sanity left in this country. Between the idiot tea-baggers on the right and ineffectual wimps on the left, as well as self-perceived radicals who spend more of their time and energy trying to draw attention to how radical they are than to actually accomplishing anything, I sometimes feel as if all hope is not only lost, but too stupid to ask directions.

Maher is an unapologetic opponent of the corporate culture strangling our increasingly illusionary democracy. But he doesn’t cave in to bullshit political correctness, either. For example, he’s not afraid to come out and criticize Islam, and note the glaring truth that it’s an insane ideology mired in the Dark Ages and has perpetuated unspeakable oppression for centuries. He comes right out and says this, unconcerned that some liberals think it’s quite insensitive to be so clear and honest.

Bill sees through the lies foisted upon fools by corporate greed and blind religious faith, and he points it out with humor. To perceive evil, injustice, and stupidity all around, and to be able to illuminate it, to shine a light on ugliness, and to do so in a manner that might wake a few people up, and make them laugh while you are doing it, that is a rare and wonderful skill indeed.

I need to work on that myself. Screaming abuse and profanity at anyone who disagrees with me isn’t nearly as effective as I thought it would be.