Some People Have No Sense of Humor

(email addresses and names have been slightly altered, because I’m not a total dick. Just a partial one.)


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from lxxxxx@notes.cc.xxxxx.edu
to andrew.breslin@gmail.com
date Tue, May 10, 2011 at 3:07 PM
subject Fw: THR 315 Fall 2011
mailed-by notes.cc.xxxxx.edu*************

Hi,

You have been given permission to register in THR 315 for fall 2011.


Thanks,
Laura
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Laura xxxxxx
Theatre Arts -3046 Staller Center -
Hours: Tue - Wed 8-4, Thurs 8-12
Art Department - 2225 Staller Center -
Hours: Mon & Fri 8-4, Thurs 12-4


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from Andrew Breslin andrew.breslin@gmail.com
to lxxxxx@notes.cc.xxxxxx.edu
date Tue, May 10, 2011 at 11:12 PM
subject Re: Fw: THR 315 Fall 2011
mailed-by gmail.com



I am, of course, simply beside myself with delight at having been given permission to register in THR 315 for fall 2011. And I mean that quite literally. My doppelganger is here, and he too is pleased. The champagne is flowing copiously, though this may reflect nothing more than the fact that both of us are raging alcoholics, and a bad influence on one another.

But our rapture and ecstasy is tempered with no small measure of confusion. For, you see, I have not a hint of a whiff of a clue what it is about which you speak. And mind you: we haven't had much to drink yet.

I mean no offense at all, or certainly not very much, when I note that I have absolutely nothing to do with your institution, and, perhaps more to the point, never ever have. I mean not even a little. I was not, until very recently, aware of its existence. In fact, I still don't know where I am writing, but gather from the "edu" that it is some sort of educational establishment, but this insight brings with it not even the vaguest suggestion of what it could possibly have to do with me. All that fancy book learnin' was never my demitasse of Darjeeling. I got my education on the streets, which is why I am an expert on both asphalt and roadkill.

I am not writing one of those angry emails that so taint our otherwise amiable interwebs, and you will note a conspicuous absence of exclamation points. I usually let my exclamations speak for themselves in any event. My maxim is that it is a pretty weak exclamation that needs to be pointed out. I shall even add a smiley, lest my sarcasm be taken in a manner more hostile than intended. Here it is: [,< I'm not very good at these and know that random punctuation marks are involved.

But curiosity, though fatal to felines, according to at least some circumstantial evidence, afflicts both myself and the doppleganger (whom I've taken to affectionately calling "Dop.")

Ole' Dop and I are wondering: how did my email address possibly end up attached to this email, which one would have to go to great lengths to be of a subject less applicable to me?

(If this is some sort of a contest to do just that, the next time, include something about pork belly futures. I'd be simply overwhelmed with a lack of interest.)

Dop just had a thought, and managed to share it with me before passing out from the entire bottle of champagne he just chugged: Perhaps we both have yet another doppleganger. Perhaps an andrew.breslin@yahoo.com or something of that ilk? Or some similar ilk? That other Andrew Breslin could be frantically chewing his fingernails down to the bone as we speak (or as I type, and then, later, as you read, if he has any fingers left by then) wondering whether or not he has been given permission to register in THR 315 for fall 2011. I would hate for the poor lad to be driven out of his tiny mind with suspense, so maybe someone could let him know.

Have a lovely and delightful day, Laura. And don't take life too seriously. I never do.

Andrew Breslin and Dop.


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from lxxxxx@notes.cc.xxxxxx.edu
to Andrew Breslin
date Wed, May 11, 2011 at 9:14 AM
subject Re: Fw: THR 315 Fall 2011
mailed-by notes.cc.xxxxx.edu


sorry - but we have a student who listed the same email address as yourself.......hmmmm.....he must have written it done wrong....




Thanks,
Laura

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Hola, Laura

Wait, so he actually wrote "andrew.breslin@gmail.com"? Now this has catalyzed an existential crisis of unprecedented proportions--at least while I was not out of my mind on triple-dipped blotter acid--and may necessitate a re-examination of the laws of physics as we know them, or at least as I understand them from watching science fiction movies.

My best working theory is that this other Andrew Breslin is in fact the same Andrew Breslin . . . but from an alternate universe.

I have yet to devise a plausible explanation as to why this other Andrew Breslin is interested in registering in THR 315 for fall 2011, and not only because I have almost no idea what that means. My current postulate is that this has something to do with taking an art class, something this Andrew Breslin would not even consider. As mentioned, this one has a generalized disdain for "education" though it should be emphasized that this does not extend toward those employed by educational institutions, such as yourself, or the doppelgangers thereof. This Andrew Breslin is, in particular, extraordinarily skeptical that "art" is anything more than a grand hoax. See: http://andyrantsandraves.blogspot.com/2011/04/artsy-fartsy-i-recently-visited.html

I assume, of course, that you are familiar with the Star Trek episode in which the crew of the Enterprise encounter their counterparts in a parallel (or possibly perpendicular) universe. You will recall that Spock's sported a devilish goatee, and was diabolically evil to boot. This seems entirely appropriate. Anyone with any sense knows that facial hair is evidence of malicious intentions. But the point, from which I am attempting not to stray too far, is that our alternate universe doppelgangers (not to be confused with the ones we pal around with here in our own universe, like my good buddy Dop here) might exhibit personality traits far removed from our own.

The fact that this other Andrew Breslin is interested in taking an art class causes me little concern. What worries me is that he might be from the same alternate universe from which the goateed Spock hailed, and might possibly be the apotheosis of evil.

Do you happen to know: Did this other Andrew Breslin have a beard? The fate of the world (or at least this one) may depend upon it!

Andrew Breslin

(the one from this universe)

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